deciphered cairn
Hello Reader,
I hope you are having a good Saturday...we have waked up to a snowy day today....There was 5-6 cm snow everywhere...it was the shopping day today... and because of the snow I needed to shovel snow from the driveway although I cleaned up the truck and car my son shoveled the snow...as a gift for this pleasant help I threw couple of snow balls to him and we made a light snow ball fight...the weather was very mild and not cold during the day...everybody was doing the Christmas shopping so the supermarkets were full to the brim...I can't imagine how the mall probably was....last night again I slept on the couch until 3 am my dog woke me up and I went to bed...unfortunately because I slept another meditation is skipped... reader for some reason I feel so tired and exhausted...it feels like my body lacks energy and every cell in my body is screaming to me to get away from the work...but I need a job and have some form of earning to put food on the table...I feel like wearing black and listen to goth music all day long with a brim face...its not me but its the feeling...maybe its a cozy and familiar feeling to hold on to...I guess winter and being devoid of light provides depressive feelings...I remember winters I passed here in Canada that felt like a never ending fall to endless dark pit in my soul...I remember falling down with nothing to hold on to with the broken pieces of my heart and echo of my soundless scream vibrating in my void...maybe I should not write today as I am running through these dark feelings nudging me here and there with lack of hope, I am not even sure of hopes of what? every interaction every expectation every behaviour feels known small loops of determined pits...which I have visited one after another time and time again...there is no uniqueness...I guess this is another veil I need to cross..it feels like you are happy but inside something is off and you cannot point it out...its not like falling back to familiarity of the melancholy its something deeper...kind of like Jean Paul Sartre'ian existentialism of nothingness crumbling into void of nihilism...kind of having no expectations, no prospects, nothing to hope for...its cold and it effects your now and the joy you carry...I have been reflecting back on me for the reasons of this "the unfairness and toxicity in work" , where I am at life, I am having hard time to point something that would make me satisfied kind of not knowing the weird overflow of emotions...tides coming in and going out carrying the pieces of your feeling to depths and than spitting them right out on the beach with the raging foamy waves....tonight I will drink my beers and listen to some records...reader its easy to let yourself go down in to the depths of your souls void but its not as easy to climb back to the light...
Ishtar's light comes through the haze to dawn on your mighty soul
each deciphered cairn lead you to another comprehension
like the morning frost on the earth you will be warmed little by little loathful
breach of light fair through your broken heart's cracks feed your soul to satisfaction
King H. Ironson
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