become nothing
Hello Reader,
I felt that you have a cold feet for me....
its ok with me... :)
As you know we can only continue to this relationship of reader and writer from a distance
also we don't need to agree on everything...
that is ok too...
you cannot expect me to write daily
its up to me to write daily, hourly, weekly, monthly....
after all you are not paying anything to read these....
they are free....
if you ever bought my books I appreciate your contribution.
Today, I did several duties I have been slacking for a long time...
for instance I cleaned up the gutters from the leaves which requires climbing to the roof....
also cleaned up the closet in my carport where I keep the winter/summer tires...
this summer was mostly rainy.....
it rained everywhere a lot....
recently it even flood the capital...."Ottawa"
that day I was there....
then returning from the camping trip
I also stopped by Ottawa to see around
it was going to be my first time there...
just parked my car in multilevel parking place in the center of the sight seeing area,
which is close to parliament building and other highlights...
than I get down to the street...
when the black clouds fastly closed the sky
in couple of seconds it turned as dark as evening...
followed by wind and a rapid shower...
I just took my first couple of steps on Ottawa streets leaving the multilevel parking building
and I just ran back in the building....
because the rapid shower was followed by sky throwing buckets of water to the earth
it was violent....
I went directly back in the car and decided to go back home
and said goodbye to Ottawa before I walk on top of her...
it was sad...
but the weather simply not allowed my small Ottawa excursion
I accept all the spontaneity of life
moment is all I have
and all I got to do is to enjoy it....
There is no room for mingling in the past
nor a room for waiting for the future...
you need to find a way to implement your hope's realized into the now!
that is the way...
There has been an anxiety in my meditation today....
that is why it took 3 hours...
my legs were cramped
afterwards...
It just occurred to me that
I need to go back to that dark
spot "the endless pit" which I mentioned to you earlier...
its the place where I need to visit back to hard reset my life
and start a new program....
everything is falling into its place better now...
subconscious is the only part of you that
you cannot alter with your will
if you can alter it than it would be your conscious
the only way to implement changes on there
requires a hard reset....
and loading of a new operating system...
weeh
that place looked scary....
I need to jump there
in my meditation
and make sure
that I won't loose the light in sight
have to open my eyes in the darkness
and accept all in as if it was after my
life ended in my body
than I have to implement what I want
to do with my life and return to the light
as if it was my soul entering to a new life in my body...
I cannot hang on there more than I should
or I cannot loose the sight of my light....
its scary and brings me anxiety to do this
I am not sure if I am ready to do this yet
even though it feels like something that I experienced before
So far all the times I have been meditating
I was able to observe my self and my life
and pinpoint many things that require a change
although the subconscious is the only place
resisting these changes that I need to do with my self...
it prevents you to make these changes via unfounded fears, biases and loaded misconceptions...
your subconscious really rules the stage from the primitive or a primal way
with the leading of your reptilian brain
it wants to protect you from taking unnecessary risks..
the pitch dark
scary
when I was a kid
I was extremely afraid of the shadows...
it was nearly in the brink of a phobia
when we were out walking during the night
I was so scared of my shadow following me from behind...
my parents were trying their best to explain me that they are not
living entities instead
they are occurring because of the physics
yet my child brain insist that it is the reflection of my dark self on the ground
and I always wanted to run away from it
all these years I ran away from my dark self
but last two years I made peace with it
embrace it.
recognize it and accept it
and forgive it
for the regrets
it caused in my life
this was such a relieving experience for me
although
these things beliefs you were binded with
roots down to your subconsciousness
which you cannot
clear up easily...
these ideas, thoughts with shortcomings and which are creating pain
in your life
holding up to their roots in the dark corners of your mind..
so reader
this step I need to take
requires a lot of bravery
for me
this morning
I chickened out
that is why it took so long (my meditation)
I thought to myself that
maybe I should do this before I sleep
at night...
So here I am trying to relieve my anxiety...
after I post this maybe
I'll do another attempt
or maybe I leave it for tomorrow...
I dunno..need to gather courage
afterall...
its a
rebirth
once
again.
once you grasp the light
it is hard to let go of it and come back to the dark
even though your shadows became smaller
as you had grew your inner light stronger
don't be afraid take the journey....
after all light and dark is from the same fabric
and you are now a master who can craft light from nothing
become nothing once again
just to create the miracle of transformation
a life in will's formation
King H. Ironson
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