grey try barely fly
Dear Reader,
Last couple of days went by as if I was not around...
there were lots of thoughts....
things are changing and I am working in my kids desk
when he is at school....his room looks to backyard and I can see the trees and sky line
from there...I am working here because he grew older and his older desk was basically
a kids desk which he cannot do because it was smaller for him...
so I gave him my study desk for a while to prevent cost of a new desk
now I have to work in the living room when he is at home
and when he is at school I work in his room...
today I applied couple of jobs, some of the applications I made returned to me
saying that they are not moving forward with my application
the ones I already interviewed couple of them even though I had multiple interview
no response back, not even negative response...
I found my self phased out watching the falling leaves flying randomly
around with the wind....
I felt like those leaves...
nothing to hold on to...
nothing.
its very difficult to stay positive in such condition
a life that is on stand by
as the world is crumbling down
with economic crisis, climate disasters and war,
the only power I have is the hope
hope's that I fill find a job soon
and get the fuck out of this province
to hope it will be better in the other one
its really challenging to get a decent job
which you can make a living with your pay check nowadays
the housing market is crazy and cost of living is incredibly high
especially in certain provinces
with all these thoughts I watched the leaves
fly away with the wind
and thought to myself that people who have a job and are working at this moment are probably hating every second of it
me on the other hand at same moment stressing out and looking to a magnificent autumn horizon and counting
the yellow maple leaves fall one by one
it is liberating to know that at this point I am not tied to any other place 9 to 5 just to make a living..
but the other hustles I tried doesn't seem to work...at least they don't bring something
that I can live on...
and unfortunately I don't have a lot of money waiting in the savings account to start a business..
everything costs terribly high and I am not sure whether this economic climate is a good
to start a business anyways...
I am feeling peaceful, and made peace with my inner thoughts first time in my life
and everything is falling apart around me
weird. but also beautiful at the same time
that is why I felt like that leaf
all free, beautiful and present
but yet falling, dramatically to their demise
with these thoughts and nothing to do
I made one of the low content notebook idea, which I had today...
its been on my mind for a while but couldn't do it for a while...
lately, even though I am calm and have clarity
there is this huge feeling inside me like something going to sprout
but yet also there is this huge sadness and heaviness
no reason why...don't get me wrong I feel happy and content
regardless of what kind of situation I am in
I made my peace with myself and everyone
these feelings are not related to my situation either
its like the effect of this great shift I feel
which is going to bring a huge change in my life
I am not sure what it is yet..but I feel it
having very strange dreams...all these news in the world
with my personal situation and past events all mumbled up,
mixed and mashed in nightmares
making me wake up in the middle of the night...
couldn't get my sleep last couple of nights
the thing is that I don't foresee any changes soon
except hopefully finding a job and moving away from here
even that doesn't seem to be happening soon
I don't know.....
its something,
a change
like being released from a tree that you were attached to
and finding yourself dragging away by the wind
definitely my old life is going to change
because my mind and heart changed
I know my priorities and the way I perceive life
is changed, so how can I think that everything is going to be same
like as it was before in my life?
not sure what kind of life
will be the remaining time I have on this beautiful garden of eden...
earth...
curtains stain to gloom
has the run bets to my needs
fall on the light ray
grey try barely fly
pass the minutes, hours, days, years
has the life sand dropped and told me
I am awake and alive
bust joke ache right score
with a light hat of an amateur
chance has fetched an impossibility
ply ply manifested cry
rites I chant burned into bites washed with tides
as I rip apart and fall to part cradled with the winds rhymes
King H. Ironson
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