a strange dream with my fictional strange character,
Dear Reader,
A couple of day break was something I needed...
actually I was not planning to write until Friday
but last night I had this strange dream/nightmare
which prompted me to write today...
first I want to try to explain what I saw
very weird...the dream passes in my former city
like the photos of Ara Guler (you can check examples of his photos from here, at least you can get the idea of the mood from the photos in this link), the dream was in this kind of
gray, black and white photographs that were taken pre 60s
it flowed like a poem of various poems that I like a lot...
also this nightmare/dream felt like it was the extensive sorrow and pain someone else felt
and how they are stuck with this pain feelings of being confused and being helplessness
in my dream I was with the character I have created in my mind
this beautiful girl with blue eyes...we were in a vacation
in my city, I was showing her around it was all gloomy
like it was going to rain soon, gray black clouds
shadowed the city, narrow streets and old alley ways
full of unhappy faces and sad people whom are trying to reach
to their destination, worries and anxieties were raining to the cobble stones
of my city from the gray and black faces...
busy, crowded....we were sightseeing...I remember the streets and to get around....
at least in the beginning...
soul of poorness, honesty and humility.. in every frame you see and breath
the sill of the world...squeezed in between the great might of the forces
that rule the mankind since they developed consciousness
neither west nor east
neither north nor south
center of the world, founded on the seven hills
confused yet so clear
we walked together with her hand in hand...her black hair was flowing like the waves of gruff, stormy
sea blasting on the towering cliffs on the shoreline...
she had a nice long stylish brownish trench coat, a black sweater and black long boots,
easily camouflaged in the frame
I cannot recall what I look like though, because the thing I experienced was from first person view
and other external views only made me feel the emotions the sights were not primary focus
felt like its been a long time for me after I left this city and this trip felt very confusing on many levels
it was like returning to a place where you spent all of your youth as a tourist and a stranger
you had massive changes in your life... you are not the same you who was once in this magical place
all the sights and places felt like a distant memory
everywhere you look a memory pops out and you feel how much you were alienated
in this trip we were not only there for sight seeing but also for the business of some sort with that girl..
after we made many meetings we say "oh now, its time for a little bit of fun!"
I say lets go this way, there used to be a cool place where we can take a bite and drink some beers..
since I feel like the host and that I know the place
I am navigating us around....by the way she was taking photographs around and sightseeing around
we are both phased and confused out because of the crowd...but occasionally looking to one another and smiling
walking side by side holding hands lightly here and there breaking the bond to go check
things around...
after a certain place I navigate the crowded and confusing streets...
until we come to a place where I have no idea where it is?
of course after all these years the city is changed...
cities like humans, they grow they change style and character
with all the experiences they have
so we find ourselves in a big city center obviously is a transportation hub
where trains, metro, busses and ferries intersect...
although it felt like all of these big transportation vessels are there to get us
it felt like they were plotting to run over us...
she felt my confusion, and asked me whether everything is ok?
I said, "oh.. this place is changed, I have no recollection of this place!"
than continued "the place we want to go is very close to here, we can walk there!"
but first I need to figure out the street we need to take
with a huge confusion looking around to find where we supposed to go...
no recollection of the place whatsoever
as I am trying to find the way, I did not want her to know that I am clueless
and I don't want her to get confused and feel anxious...
so I say to her it is this street...and pick a street and move to there
I am thinking I would at least try and see than probably I will figure out
where I am and than find our way....
when we take the street she is happy sight seeing around taking pictures
I am lost trying to find our way...
we are walking in a cobbled street with old buildings and street is being splitted into three streets further ahead and we are walking uphill
feels like familiar but in my heart I know that we are in the wrong street which is going to take us to a very long route...
and I don't want her to wait more...feeling anxiety to not to make any inconvenience
so I am walking behind slowly trying to make sense on what I can do
in the meantime the frame become more gloomier and more grey...
streets become more crowded and faces become more unhappy and hostile
than I thought that I have spotted the place we are trying to go
she is happy moving ahead slowly checking here and there
so I thought to myself, I can go and check in to see whether its the correct place
at least I can ask the people there and call her
so I get inside this bistro to find out that I was in a completely wrong place
where hostile looking people are hanging out, I try to ask the place I am trying to find
but nobody seems to care...than I decide to go out and catch up with her
at the moment I move back towards the door a group rushes in and I couldn't get out
it took a while for all these people to get in...
than I rush out the door...
I look around and cannot see her...I start to run to the direction we were headed
and reach all the way to the intersection and nada
she was nowhere to be seen,
my heart starts to race I cannot breathe, running all around like crazy
to find her shouting her name sweating
felt like I losted her for good...
woke up in the middle of the night
so heavy, heart racing, with full of sweat screaming...
such a weird and heavy nightmare...
when I came to myself from this heaviness
I felt like it didn't belonged to me, I didn't feel that this belonged to me!
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